As I Once Was
by emlemonz12
Summary: It had been eleven years, 4 months, seven days and 32 seconds since I had stepped foot outside of La Push. I had hoped this day would never come, but it had to. For my children, I would do this. For Jacob, I would do this... I had to do this.
1. Chapter 1

I do not own the literary works of Stephenie Meyer's Twilight Saga.

This story takes place eleven years after Edward has left Bella in New Moon.

Bella POV

It had been elven years, 4 months, seven days and 32 seconds since I had stepped foot outside of La Push. I have spent the past years hoping and wishing that this day would never come, but deep down I knew it was fast approaching. It had to come. For my children, I would do this. For Jacob, I would do this. Despite my fear and the overwhelming pressure where my heart once was, I had to do this...

"I can do this." I told myself under my breath, unaware of the three sets of ears listening in on the war waging in my head. The struggle and pain I went through to get to this point seemed miniscule as I stood at the La Push border. This was a much deeper fear. Once I stepped outside of the border she would see that I truly was alive. Her vision would flash in his head and the act would be up. But he left me to defend for myself! Why would he care that I was alive?

I came to a screeching halt when I heard the shouts of my two children, "What the heck, Mom?! Are you trying to kill that guy or what?" My son laughed, his smile so handsome. He wasn't my oldest child, but he wasn't far off. Masen was 3 minutes younger than Renesmee, often bringing out the competitive side of them both. They were all the good and greatness inside myself and him. The beautiful, intelligent, perfect children he never met...

I shook my head and looked back smiling, "I wouldn't need a car to do that, now would I?" I noticed Jacob looking at me, his concern for me shining in his eyes. He reached over and grabbed my hand giving it a tight squeeze. I squeezed back, showing him I was alright. He knew though... He knew my every thought, my every move. My best friend in every sense of the word. He picked me up that day and he hasn't let go since. I owed everything I have to him.

"I can't wait to see Gramps. He told me he decorated my room himself." Renesmee was beside herself with excitement for her first time being outside of the reservation. I could understand why though. Living on a reservation had its perks but a big imagination was a part of keeping yourself amused there. Renesmee and Masen both matured much faster than the other children on the reservation, bringing them closer together as brother and sister. We were all very tight knit, staying inside our own little world, our own little clan.

It was difficult to ignore the stares of the tribe members. Myself and my children were a threat and danger to the tribe, even after eleven years of peaceful living and constant reassurance by the wolves. Jacob was a highly respected tribal member till the day everyone found out he had imprinted on Renesmee. The Wolf and the half Vampire? What a scandal that was. That was the night Jacob and I decided it was the right time to get out. The right time to pack up and head back to Forks. Charlie was more than happy to welcome his grandchilren and daughter back into his home. He immediately went into construction, adding on three extra rooms to the once tiny house. Charlie had started graying in his later years and eventually retired from the force three years ago but he was still an avid fisher.

My thoughts came crashing around me when Jacob spoke up, "Five miles till the border." I could feel the tightening around my once human heart as the five miles became four, then three and so on. I came to a stop just a foot short of crossing the border and looked back to my children, "I hope you are ready for this. Everything will be different." They looked at me with confused eyes but nodded to go on ahead. I closed my eyes and pushed on the gas, crossing that last excruciating foot across the border.

What had I done?


	2. Chapter 2

I do not own the Twilight Saga

It was like a knife to the chest. The kind of knife used for cutting and gutting wild animals, thick with ridges easier to cut through flesh. I wasn't expecting this sort of feeling. As a matter-of-fact, I had not felt this way since I was left alone in the thick woods, surrounded by my own grief. The shock of it confused me momentarily as I sat in what was dubbed by my children the "sardine can". Memories flooded every crevice of my brain, seeping in to where I had long boarded off. Though these memories were like looking into the murky water of a man made lake, I could still feel and hear the voices and words coming at me. The sound of Charlie shaking off his boots, the creek of the windows, running water in the one and only bathroom...

The knife twisted again and I was now forced out of my safe enclosure on to my once and now, once again, home. It was the same, I had figured it would never change unless someone else moved in. It was comforting in a way that wasn't heartbreaking. Once lost and now home...

"Mom?" Renesemee. I had forgotten so easily..."We don't need to do this... I talked to Jacob and he really doesn't mind. Home sweet Res and all.." She tried giving me a smile before taking my hand and tugging me through the doorway.

It smelled the same way. Minus myself in the air, it was all Charlie and a bit of Sue here and there. I looked to Jacob and laughed, "I saw it coming from day one. Parent's of mythical creatures must really bond well, you think?"

The glint in his eye said it all. My Jacob, the easy read. I never imagined our relationship being so simple. I guess there wasn't any room for mixed feelings with my future Son-in-law. Gross, kinda. But our love was simple. I loved him as my best and only friend and as the man that loved my daughter. Their love was so pure it was hard to watch. And hard to seperate them sometimes... Not that I would let him touch her. Blood would be shed the first time any of the sort happened.

"Charlie said he would meet us here but I guess he's still with Dad. You need help with your bags?" Jacob eyed my lousey three bags of clothes. I could see him struggling not to bound up the stairs to help Nessie. "No, go ahead. I'm stronger than you anyway, Mut." He was gone in an instant. I sighed. How would I keep them apart? .... Masen.

Once my sweet little boy now looked more like a man. He was the perfect balance of the two of us, an equal mixture. Every now and then if I looked too close I saw him, whether it's in the curve of his smile or his fly away hair. My strong man would enforce the rules even if I didn't ask. He loved Jacob, he was family, but if he dared to lay a hand on his sister..

The threat was lost in my mind as Charlie's kind-of, sort-of new truck pulled up with new mattresses in the tail bed. His wrinkled smile greeted me at the open door, "Hey Bells! Where are the kids?" The Kids. Jacob was awkwardly thrown into the kid group, I the adult.

"Up-stairs settling. Masen is checking out the woods." He looked at me, horrified for a split second. "It's okay, I can hear him. He's not far and he was warned."

"Alright then." He gave an awkward huff before plopping down in front of the flat screen. Wasn't this the same pattern as before? Some things time can not get its nastey hands on.

I browsed the new photos of Nessie and Masen lining the walls before heading towards the woods. If there was one thing my son and his father had in common, it was sulking. He could pout all he wanted though. There was no chance I would let my happiness interfere with his.

"I'm fine, Mom." Straight to the point. He was no mind-reader but he had a feel for things. I always just assumed he was almost like his "Aunt" in this way. He could tell who would say what, tell who had made up their mind and what their choice was. Sometimes bothersome, it helped in sticky situations.

"I'm not here to talk, you know this. I just want to be with you.. It's a hard transition and you know what we face. I will not leave my boy alone." He looked down from his perch on a branch directly above my head. "How long do you think we have before they show their faces?" His lip curled downward at me.

"I'm not sure, but it will be soon. The one I told you about, she will see me. I'm not sure if she will see you or Nessie, given that Jacob is always around you. But I promise you it will be soon." I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. He had grown up with a hate in his heart for the family he never knew. I didn't allow his hate to be voiced in my presence, I didn't see them in that light. Jacob was another story.

"They'll have another thing coming when they meet me, that's for sure! I won't let 'em near you, Mom. I promise." The truth rang in his words and I knew when it was time for our meeting I would have to fight him to leave me in their presence. I smiled up at him and climbed up to sit next to him.

"You know I won't be hurt. We have the wolf pack to reassure that." I looked at him from the corner of my eye only to see him roll his. "Those Muts have nothing on me" My sweet, beatifully cocky child. Always ready for a challenge. The thought of him in any fight terrified me to the core and I outwardly shivered.

"If I have any word, you will never enter in to any fight. It is me that protects you. Mother protects child. Not the other way around." My tone warned him to keep quiet. We enjoyed the rest of our time spent in the tree-tops.

The fun would not last long.


	3. Chapter 3

I do not own the Twilight Saga.

Comments appreciated :) I'm new at this and would love feedback.

**BPOV**

It had been one week today since we left La Push. No sign, no word. Not even a hint that anything was coming. A part of me was relieved. The other part devistated. Could he really not care enough to see what had become of me? Did he think I was able to fend for myself? Which I was. I was more than capable of taking care of myself and my children. No man save Jacob and Charlie has ever helped me in raising two children and surviving the life I lead. Through the pride there was still the hurt.

I watched Nessie and Masen re-adjust just as I had, except their attitude was much more possitive. They loved the attention they recieved from Charlie. Masen was always the first to jump up and volunteer for a fishing trip even though the act bored him. Another man in his life was what he needed.

Today was different from the other days, though. Masen declined the fishing trip in order to hunt. Although Charlie was in on the charade, he didn't need the gruesome details. Nessie also needed to feed and where Nessie went, the shadow that was Jacob fallowed.

"Hey Ma, we're heading out just east. Is it okay if we look around after we hunt?" Masen asked me all the while looking at his feet expecting the answer. But like I said, today was different.

"Hunt quickly, be careful of your location. I'll give you one hour after your finished to explore the area but trust me you're not going to find much." I laughed and kissed his forehead as Jacob and Nessie came barrelling down the stairs.

"I told you she would let us. She's getting soft in her old age." I glared at Jacob, "Old? I would rather be mature than be a child like yourself. I'll always have years on you." How easy it was to joke not knowing the impending doom I was about to face...

I didn't go with them this day. I had hunted the night before while on patrol around the house, the same thing I did every single night to make sure no unexpected or curious visitors came near. I went about myself, picking up Jacob's shredded clothing from the front yard before heading inside to finish off the rest of the laundry.

It had been like this for the past week. Me playing house while everyone else went on their own way. It was as if it was my very first week in Forks taking care of Charlie, except this time I was the mother of two and the provider of a love crazed puppy dog. It felt good though. I was grounded and although not quite whole in my heart, I was content. I loved my family, my life, what I had become. I was not a monster. I was the worlds fastest Mother and it really helped.

By the time I drowned my thoughts with the dishes I felt it. Fear crept up my spine as the wind blew in past the open windows of the house. When my family was gone, the windows were always, ALWAYS open. I dropped the dish in my hand and I ran.

I ran blindly through the woods, I pushed through trees in my way not even bothering to dodge them. If a human was around I did not care. There were multiple and unfamiliar vampire scents in the area. Cullen or not, I would kill. I couldn't feel the ground below me as I ran, all I felt was the rage and fear flowing through me bringing out my instincts. All rationallity was gone. All that was left inside of me was a raging vampire looking for her children.

It felt like minutes before I reached the clearing. Our clearing. I would have thought about how ironic it had been but the beast in me raged. The sound coming from my throat startled me as I landed in front of Nessie and Masen. Jacob flanked me but there was nothing he could do. I would get to them first. I would kill them first.

I had never smelled these seven vampires but, as I looked up, I knew the faces. I had loved these faces at one point in my life but right now, I would kill them if they raised one hand in my children's direction..

"Mom?!" Nessie's startled shout made me jerk my head in her direction. I could see her fear. Her fear wasn't coming from the right place though...It was coming from me. "Mom, calm down, Mom. We're okay I swear Mom. Please calm down." I looked for Masen to see that he was now standing in front of me.

"Whoever you are, you should leave now. You're not welcome here." I heard one of the seven growl at my Masen and the rage immediatley flowed through me again.

Just as I was about to lunge forward Nessie grabbed my hand and stood by my side while Jacob hovered over her. What was wrong with her? I am her Mother. She can't stop me from...

"Bella," Jacob snapped me out of my internal dilema, "You need to calm yourself. You're scaring Nessie and if you don't get Masen under control he's going to fight." I closed my eyes and breathed in deep.

"Okay. Alright. Masen, get behind me right this instant!" He looked at me like a kicked dog before stepping behind me. "Jacob, take them back to the house. Get the pack on patrol around the house. No one gets near them."

"NO! Mom, I can't leave you here with them. Don't make me go, I can fight. Jacob taught me, you've seen me!" Masen protested, too protective to leave his mother to face her greatest fears.

"Leave, Masen. I love you." I squeezeed his hand without taking my eyes off the seven vampires before me. I could feel his glare as he backed up into the woods before I heard the silent thud of his feet running through the thick woods.

After our quiet fight I had finally realized that none of them had said a single word. Would I be a coward now? After so long would I run?

No. I was better than him. I had something to prove. My kids deserved better. Jacob had more faith in me than to run away.

I took one small step forward, "Hello, it is so very nice to see you all again." I watched their faces carefully, all the while keeping my shield up. I could be poliet but I was full of rage and there was no way I would let Jasper control that.

I didn't have to predict who would step up first. Carlisle stepped closer, hands raised. "Bella, what a suprise to see you. A pleasure, surely, but a great suprise." His eyes looked worried. I imagined he thought I was so depressed and desperate I went out looking for some rogue vampire to change me. Nope, had my little Masen to do that for me.

I smiled at him and shook my head as to agree, "Oh yes, I'm sure it is quite the suprise to you all. Under the circumstances it's nice to see my old friends again." I smiled to them all, excluding...well, him. He was just as beautiful as ever. I wonder what I looked like to him now...

"You look lovely as a vampire, Bella!" Esme snapped me out of the train of though, pushing my inner demons back down. "I do believe we have quite alot of catching up to do!" I was about to smile at her before her words caught my ears. Was she inviting herself back into my life?

I stood there, shocked to the core. Could they seriously believe after so long they could come back and get to know the new me? I knew they were intelligent, but come on. By this point I was beyond pissed.

"Not to be rude," emphasis on the rude, "but I've made a life for myself now. I have a family I have to provide and take care of. My son and daughter may look older but they're hardly twelve. I will not be inviting strangers back into their lifes." If I had been human I'm sure my face would have been red.

I looked up and straight into the face of Alice. My best friend Alice... She looked so hurt. How could I call her a stranger? She knew- NO! I couldn't. I wouldn't.

Carlisle took another step forward. "Bella, I know we never had the chance to say good bye, but you're vampire now. There are rules." Rules? I must have looked confused because he continued.  
"Vampires are not allowed to turn human children, you see, they-." My laughter cut him off. I looked him square in the face, ready to tell the truth. It was now or never, right? I was better, stronger and braver than him.

" I did not turn my children. My son, Masen, he turned me. I gave birth to them, as a human. Please do no insult me by insinuating that I would turn human children against their will. Now, it was nice to see you all but I must get home to my family."

And with that I shot off, their shocked and what I thought was a glint of horror struck faces etched in my mind.

Please review :)


	4. Chapter 4

Thank you everyone that reviewed. I'm happy that someone enjoys what I write :)

Vamps09, I will go deeper in to how she got preggers and how she delivered twins. All we be told in time!

I do not own the Twilight saga :(

BPOV

I felt like a human mother whose child had just fallen off the slide at the park, searching every inch of their body for even the slightest scratch. It was silly, or course, but the sliver of human left in me had me crazed. They knew to keep quiet but Jacob was furious. His slurrs and curses went in one ear and out the other, though. I had to focus on my children before the very grip I had on reality slipped away from me.

"Mom...," It was Masen who spoke first. "Look at me."'

I made plenty of mistakes in my human life. Countless, in fact. But the moment I looked up into Masen's green eyes, I knew I had made the biggest mistake as a vampire mother. I couldn't help but see Edward's face looking down at me with concern. I no longer saw my son but the man that broke my heart. In that single moment I lost it.

I could feel my chest heaving and hear noises coming from my throat that sounded like I could be crying but no tears came out. I was ashamed for showing them my weakness over that man. And now I was doubly ashamed that my son had picked my sobbing body up and carried me to the couch in our living room.

"I'm so sorry, baby." I sobbed into his chest, "I couldn't keep you from them. I couldn't save you the hurt." I looked at him again, the face now just a sting, and smoothed the hair back from his eyes. By this time Nessie and Jacob had already left the room. I couldn't have been more thankful for Jacob.

"I know it hurts you the most. If I would have know it was to be today I would have never left you out of my sight."

"I'm alright mom. It sucks. It really, really sucks. But I'm okay. I don't know which one was which and they didn't talk to me." He looked sad as he said this. Did he want to talk to Edward?

"He doesn't know you, Masen. He has no idea about you or your sister. I never had the chance to tell him so don't think he chose to ignore you. He might have left me but I know that if given the knowledge he wouldn't have left you two." Ah hah. That hopeful look in his eye. He did want to talk to him. Could I let that happen?

You always hear single mothers talk about letting other men meet their children. Would they like him? Is it okay? Is it too soon? Things like that. Does the same apply to a long lost vampire father? I suddenly felt very much like a new mother once again.

"Bella."

My head snapped up to find Jacob standing in front of me. I could smell Nessie up-stairs, her tears fresh in the air.

"I know, Jacob. Let's go." I got up from the couch and followed Jacob into the forest behind the house. Nessie and Masen couldn't hear this.

I ran at his human pace until we reached a spot where I could hear the kids but they couldn't hear us. We stood there for what seemed like an hour before either of us spoke.

"You know we need to tell him, Bells. You should have seen the look on his face when he saw them. He knows something and you know he _heard_ something." I cringed. I hoped to God that my children had the same messed up brain that I did.

"There is no room for disappointment." What else could I say?

"For them or you? I don't want him near Nessie or Masen, that much I've shown. But to be mature and junk about the whole shuh-bang, everything needs to be in the clear. I can't live forever with some vamp dad chasing my tail for his daughter." I laughed at the image of Edward chasing wolf Jacob.

"You would think eleven years would be enough, huh? I guess I can't run forever."

"What are we going to do? I sure as hell ain't goin' up to a house full of vamps and announcing a patternity test." Laughter shook my body. Jacob and I had always joked about going on Jerry Springer and trying to get a patternity test out of Edward. Every time I let my imagination get too far, I was the girl running out of the room sobbing.

"I'll go. They won't hurt me. You'll need to be here though, and have a few members of the pack stay on patrol while I'm there." He frowned at me and yelled, "You think I can't take care of Ness?"

Jacob had learned many things while living with vampires. One of which was to never, ever under any circumstances question the safety of their children. I got an inch from his face and glared, "I know what you're capable of, Jacob, and I know what Masen is capable of. Those two will plot and plan and believe me they will get away from you to come fine me. Do not question me." I hissed and turned my back on him and headed back towards the house.

"Bella! Bells, c'mon I'm sorry. You know how I am with her, I can't help it. The print thingy 'n all!" He threw his arm over my shoulder and shook my hair. "Bella, Bella, don't stay mad. Bella, Bella it was my bad!" God, that stupid chant.

"Shut up, Jake." Stupid mut.

"Fine, but don't be mad. I'll get the guys out here. Just let me know when your packed and loaded for the vamp infiltration." Infiltration? We weren't spys looking for secret information. I'm not sure what we were looking for by inviting the Cullens into our little clan.

What exactly was I expecting? Would Edward even want to talk to me? I couldn't let myself be hopeful. All I knew was that Rosalie and Esme would love to meet my babies. Well, my teenage looking babies. I would have to get the many boxes of pictures down from the attic. This was sure to be an interesting meeting.

We stepped onto the edge of the yard to see Charlie stepping out of his truck with his catch of the day.

"Hey, Kids. What's the word?" Jacob and I looked at eachother and spoke at the same time, "The Cullens."

He dropped his catch and ran inside for his Grand children. The dedication of my human father would never cease to amaze me. Did he really think he could protect them? It was cute, but, I think he knew if it came down to it they would save him.

"We won't tell him I'm going, agreed?" I looked at Jake from the corner of my eye to see him nod.

"Agreed."

Please review!!! The chapters will be getting longer, I promise.


	5. Chapter 5

Thank you to those who have reviewed. Keep doing it if you want more :)

I do not own the Twilight Saga.

Chapter 5

EPOV!

For the past ten or so years my life has been black. I knew there was a bright world out there, but the blinds to my eyes were too thick to let any form of light in. You see, I had the brightest light of all. My Bella. I didn't have a candle, nor a flash light. I had the entire sun and every star in the galaxy all to myself. My very existence depended on the survival of this light, though. What I did not know was that my existence was what kept her alive, also. How could I be so selfish? Alice had seen us happy as vampires. I should have let fate have its' way.

I liked to think of myself as a smart man. I knew a vast variety of knowledge from far off lands. I had been new to the matters of the heart. I was a complete fool when it came to love. I felt it and knew what it was but I had no idea what to do with it. To protect that love from the dangers of my world and myself I pushed her away. Lied to my love, hurt my love. But don't humans bounce back from these things? I had thought that at one point. I would forever face my breaking heart but my Bella could love again. Could she not? If I would have known I was the only one for her, I would have never left. My fuck ups were monnumental.

I spent a few months away from my family after I left her. I could not stand to see their hurt expressions and sympathetic thoughts. How could they still love me after taking them from a sister and daughter? Jasper felt guilty, that I was sure of. But it was in his nature, I could not hate him for his instincts.

My months away I spent time shelled up in disgusting motels in places like Brazil and Puerto Rico. I wanted to be some place where the light shined bright just to feel that much closer to what I gave up. I did not plan on coming back anytime soon nor did I want to. I wouldn't be able to hear and witness the acts between two lovers. That knife would be too sharp for my marble chest. I ignored the phone calls. They only came once every couple of weeks, it could not be important. I told myself that every phone call, every other week. This notion was what made me answer for the first time after recieving countless phone calls from Alice.

It had to be important if Alice would repeatedly call me. Was it a family member? My family in Denali? I had to answer this call. I would think to myself later that night on the plane how much I regretted even answering. This kind of knowledge I did not want to know.

I had never heard my sister in such hysterics, not even after leaving Bella.

"Edward, thank God you answered. Please listen to me, please! Don't hang up!" My silence told her to continue. "Edward, I can't see her." I was confused for a moment before it hit me full force.

"What do you mean you can't "see her", Alice? Is she too far away from you? She has to be. Maybe she went on vacation some where far-" She cut me off with a dry sob.

"I had seen her just a month ago, Edward. She's not far, there was no vacation being planned! She's gone! One moment there was a flash of her face, smudged with dirt. She looked like she was in pain and then it went black. Her whole life disappeared. I keep looking but it's just black!" I heard what she said. I took it in word by word, tasted it and spit it back out. My whole body shook and quivered. I hadn't realized I had crushed the phone in my hand. I could feel my sanity slipping and had to stop myself before I lost it completly.

There had to be an answer. She could not be.... gone. I refused to say what Alice believed. I had to prove Alice wrong. I would go find Bella, show everyone that she is fine, and go on protecting her from afar. She would be alive and breathing and blushing.

So I went. I got the first flight out back to Seattle. I remember not moving an inch on the plane and finally shooting out of my seat when we landed. Rules forgotten, I was out of the plane in an instant. I ran the entire way to Forks, figuring it to be faster. Charlie's house would be the first place to look. That would be the first sign that everything would be alright.

When I arrived to the small house I listened intently on anything inside of the house. From what I could tell it was only Charlie. His thick boots thudded back and forth against the wood floor. I heard him sigh and walk to the kitchen and pick up a phone before dailing in a number. I heard a man on the other line answer and Charlie ask,"Have you found her yet?" in a shakey voice.

It was then that I knew. She was gone. Alice had been right. It did not take much to convince me of her demise. Alice wouldn't just have a vision of some one dying and it not be true. Charlie would not be on the look out for his daughter if she had been alive. All signs pointed to the death of my lovely Bella. I fell to my knees in the woods behind my Bella's house. I'm not sure how long I laid there. It had to have been atleast a day before my brothers finally came and gathered me up.

I don't enjoy dwelling on these things... as if the hole in my chest could not be bigger, I thought of her every single moment of every single day and that hole grew bigger.

I lost the love of my life out of sheer stupidity. I thought about going to the Volturri and having them kill me. But what not better torture than to live the rest of my existence without my mate? There was not a better punishment.

My family didn't let me leave them after that day in the woods. They spent time trying to help me and talk to me but I shied away and let myself die a little bit inside day by day. This is not dramatic. I am not overreacting. I lost everything I had waited for, had longed for...

And to my fucking suprise, she was alive.

BPOV

The rest of the night went about as normally as it could. Charlie didn't let Masen and Ness out of his sight longer than five minutes or to use the bathroom. His gun was kept firmly strapped to his hip, as if it could do some damage.

"Yo, I got the boxes down. They're in the car." Jacob whispered in my ear and notioned over his shoulder. "Seth is going to come by tonight while you're out."

Tonight I was to venture on to the Cullens' property and explain myself. The boxes of pictures were just to further my proof and give some idea as to what their grand children and niece and nephew had been up to their whole life. The pictures ranged from the day in the woods that I "gave birth" to Masen and Nessie hand-in-hand at the beach. There were so many pictures, though. We had to take detail of every hour of their life when they were younger because they grew so fast. I didn't need the pictures, of course. These pictures belonged to Charlie.

I was nervous, scared and extremely pissed off. They had the nerve to judge and accuse me of breaking some freakin' law. Here I was thinkin' I had the know how of the vampire world and their one and only rule...

My babies couldn't be against the law, could they? They were smart, beautiful, charming and loving. Perfect children. And I'm not just saying that because I was a doting mother, these kids were perfect. They never gave me trouble. Well, I guess there isn't much trouble twins can give their vampire mommy. I had help the entire time but raising them was all on me. If they grew up to be delinquents that was my bad. I'd take that blame if it ever came. But it won't...

Ness had been quiet, not even communicating through her hands. It was times like this when my children were worried or upset I couldn't help my shield from extending out to them. It wouldn't do much to to quelm their worries but I felt better.

"Baby? What's wrong?" Jacob was by my side in a heart beat. Stupid freakin' mutt... "Jacob back up, now. C'mon, Ness, let's go for a walk." She reached for my hand first and pulled me out the door. I couldn't help the smile after seeing the dejected look on Jake's face. It's like he doesn't get that I'm her Mother. Such a fool.

We walked for at least twenty minutes enjoying the silence. She would open and shut her mouth every few seconds and every couple of mintues she would sigh. This wasn't like her. She was never afraid to tell anyone what was on her mind. It was literally impossible to keep Ness out.

"That man, the one to the left with the bronze hair...that was him, wasn't it?" She barely whispered, keeping her eyes down. "I could feel it. He looked at me like he'd seen me somewhere, you know? I tried to brush it off at first by hanging out with Jake but.. I can't shake it off, Mom."

What could I tell her? Yes, honey, that was your absentee father!

"Yes, that was him. That was your father." Good enough, right?

"I don't know what it was. Masen looks just like him, did you see? I think I kinda look like him, but I have your eyes." I could tell she was getting excited by the notion of a father figure. I had to pour water on this spark before it became a full blown fire.

"Nessie, listen to me. Don't take this the wrong way but please don't expect anything from him. You need to hear this. He left me, baby. I could have died without Jake and Gramps. He left me to die."

"I can't believe that, Mom." Her frown broke my heart. Could a girl really have that much faith in a father she never knew?

"Tread lightly, Ness. I told Masen and I'll tell you, do not expect anything from him. Maybe he'll come around, maybe not." I briefly considered if I should have said that or not. The flicker of hope that lit up her face had my stomach in knotts.

"Thanks Mom. I couldn't focus with Jake hovering like that. Sometimes I need to just talk to you."

"I do try to get him to back off. It's nearly impossible, you know." We laughed and walked home with our hands still laced.

I waited till the kids were put to bed and until I knew the wolves had circled the house before I collected my keys and walked to the car. I heard Jake wish me good luck from inside the house, outside Nessie's bedroom door.

"That door better stay shut, Dog." My threat hung in the air as I backed out of the drive and made the journey to my once second home.

I drove slowly, atleast five miles under the speed limit. I knew they knew I was on my way but I wouldn't rush it. I needed this time to prepare my poker face. I would be screaming on the inside and diplomatic on the outside. I felt like I was walking off a plank and into the deepest ocean. Maybe once I was done drowning I could retreat back to my home and lay with my children. First hell, then heaven. But I would face death for my children. As of now, death was the least of my problems.

I wasn't suprised to see them standing on the front porch. I was suprised, though, when Alice sprang forward and opened my car door.

"Is this what you're driving these days, Bella? It's just as bad as that truck!" Her bright smile lit her face. It was just as devestatingly beautiful except, you know, even more.

"This is Jacob Black's car. My truck broke down a few years back. If it wasn't for him my children and I wouldn't have a vehicle." Since when had I become so bitter towards my best friend?"

"Oh, well I apologize I didn't mean to offend you." She looked hurt but I had to keep my face straight. I wouldn't break down until I was home and with Jacob. He would bring me back.

"Don't worry." Poker face on.

One by one they greated me with the exception of Edward. He stood in the same spot just staring. I tried to ignore it but every few seconds I would catch his eye. I never though my heart could break over and over in just a matter of seconds.

"Hello, Bella. It is very nice to see you again." Carlisle smiled at me and stayed a good distance away, but Esme was none to coy about her feelings. She rushed to me and gripped me in a hug. It felt as if she were hugging the human me so I squeezed back a little harder.

"Oh! I forgot you had gotten so strong. How amazing, isn't it?" I smiled and nodded. I knew what she meant. Being a vampire was the single most amazing thing besides being a Mother. Being a Mother was everything. My whole world.

"It is, indeed. Hello, Emmett, Jasper." I nodded to the "brothers". Emmett being Emmett wrapped me in a bear hug and swung me around.

"So, how many did ya kill?" His toothy grin let me know exactly what he was referring to. Humans. How many humans have I killed as a new born. I heard everyone gasp and stop breathing for a moment before regaining their poker faces.

"None. I've never killed a human." Shock was an understatement. More like disbelief. Was it that hard to believe? I was a good person. People friendly and everything. Jasper was the first to speak.

"You don't need to be ashamed, Bella, we've all slipped up." I had never noticed his southern accent till now.

"No, really, I've never killed. I've never tasted human blood. But that isn't what I'm here for." I looked straight into Edward's eyes. "You and I need to talk."

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